What to do when a good, solid life plan goes out the window…

The title of this post is a question, not an answer, unfortunately.

As many of you know, I was getting set to move to British Columbia to do the multi-jurisdictional midwifery bridging program to become a midwife in Canada. I gave up the lease on my apartment and planned to move in with my sister for a month before heading to Canada to do the program and then, when it was over, to relocate permanently.

I put a lot of eggs in that basket. In fact, I dumped the whole dozen in there. I left a midwifery job where I was very unhappy to do some odd midwifery and nursing jobs which I have enjoyed, but mostly enjoyed knowing they were short term and exciting things were on the horizon. In the first part of November, I attended a great conference in Niagra Falls, Ontario. It was a joint CAM/MANA conference and I learned so much about what midwives are doing all over North America. It regenerated my passion for midwifery, which was a boost I really needed, but it was there that I found out that the MMBP had not received funding for the January 2012 offering. This was obviously an enormous blow to my plans.

From the program, I have heard that there may, possibly be an accelerated offering given in the summer of 2012 for selected candidates. But there is no way to tell who those candidates (other than the ones who had already  been assessed into the accelerated option) might be. I have heard from other sources that it is extremely doubtful that the other provinces can make an offering in the summer term happen because of the way their midwifery programs are structured, which would mean a January 2013 start date. I have also been encouraged to apply to the Ontario IMPP program which is a similar program and would lead me to being a Registered Midwife in Ontario, but I could eventually apply for reciprocity to BC.

A little panic set in at the conference. I had a PLAN. Not only for my career, but for my life. I think that I’ve mentioned in my blog before that I want to have a baby. I’ve wanted to for a long time, but being single has made that something of a challenge. On the other hand, I’m 37 years old. Am I willing to risk my waning fertility in waiting for either Mr Right OR my desire to become a Canadian midwife? It’s something I’m examining extremely closely right now.

I haven’t been sitting on my butt contemplating either. I’ve been aggressively applying for US jobs as well. I have a second interview on Skype tomorrow with a Planned Parenthood in Southern California. I am a huge fan of the work that Planned Parenthood does, but I wouldn’t be catching babies, and I’m not sure I can live on the salary they offer in a place where the cost of living is nearly as high as it is here in the BK. I have a second, in-person interview with a freestanding birth center practice, also in SoCal, when I am out there on vacation in 2 weeks. Both are exciting prospects. I have expressed interest in a permanent position with the hospital I am currently credentialed at per-diem in midwifery, and an upcoming interview with a practice in Boston.

Jobs in the US tend to be all-or-nothing, hospital or out-of-hospital, and I really admire the Canadian midwifery model. It has its flaws, as all models of medical practice do. But I feel strongly that they offer women a full palate of choices, while giving midwives a large degree of autonomy and integration, and that is a model of care that I really want to be a part of.

The main thing I need to consider is- what do I really want? Yes, I am in love with Vancouver. I got off the plane when I arrived for a midwifery conference in July 2010 and knew I had come home. But am I willing to put everything on hold for another six months to a year? It’s a very difficult thing for me to do. I’m so madly passionate about my work in midwifery, and I find working as an L&D RN frustrating. I love the people I work with, especially the amazing nurses who care so much for the patients. But right now, I am in a hospital with a c-section rate near the 60% mark and I find the practices I see so frustrating and upsetting. I don’t want to close any doors, but I know I want to be working in midwifery. I would love to volunteer in a developing nation, but the expense is prohibitive. I have put in an application to Doctor’s without Borders, but that also remains to be seen.

So, my perfectly good, solid life plan has thrown me a massive curveball and I am still trying to figure out just what it is that I need to do. In NYC, I have a strong creative community and a solid midwifery integration into the healthcare system, even if it is a more medical model than I am wholly comfortable with. Other areas of the country have varying degrees of autonomy, creative life, and overall quality of life which may or may not be conducive to single motherhood. Canada has the practice model I want. It’s a massive dilemma.

So, dear readers, I thank you for reading this far, and am open to all thoughts and opinions. I appreciate any comments you may have to offer.

Namaste.